Not in my DNA
I've come to determine that wearing a suit is just not written into my DNA. Everything about it just isn't me.
Sure, I suppose I look good in a well tailored suit, but everything about it feels awkward.
I'm 29 and it still feels like I'm 12 years old when I throw a tie around my neck. The horrid experience of having to get dressed up as a darling little spectacle for friends and relatives at some awful event that is sure to be bad or boring. Including but not limited to Weddings, Funerals, Holiday Parties, Communions (although I don't think I've ever been to one of these), Church, Bat Mitzvahs (never been here either), Court Dates, Job Interviews, or even the awkward experience of proms and homecomings.
Anyway, I am required to wear a suit today. In fact, I'm already wearing it. I have to attend a wedding right after work, and due to time restrictions and the probability that I'll be late anyway, I've worn it to work. I've never had to wear a suit to the place I work before. I feel like I'm in an episode of Night Court from the 80s.
Good segue into the idea that people wear suits to environments where they're being judged. Where they need that shield of appearance to make up for what they lack everywhere else. I think my hatred of suits is atleast minorly related to my childhood fear of clowns.
The clowns wore the fake painted-on smile, but you never really knew what was going on behind the make-up. It's sinister. The suit translates the same way.
As a boy growing up, sensible parents always buy your suits to be too big for you, following the rule that you'll grown into it and get more uses out of it. This idea missed it's mark so many times. The first time you wear it, you look like a fool cause you're swimming in some dumbass suit that's 2-3 sizes too large. Any appeal of appearing like a 'young man' is wasted on the fact that you clearly haven't grown into the suit.
Then by the time you have to wear it again, you've out grown it completely, so you go out and purchase another lame get-up 2 sizes too big. This pattern continues until you're old enough and financially secure enough to buy your own damn suit. There's nothing like having a tailor fitting every uncomfortable seam to finally meet your body where it's supposed to.
So I did that. 3 years ago. Since then I've lost some weight, gained some muscle.
I took it to the tailor for a refitting.
Tailor: Wow, we're going to have to take this in quite a bit.
CharlesJunk: Cool, whatever it takes to make it fit right.
Tailor: Well, see...Your body has changed so much that these shoulder pads even extend further than they should. We can't change that.
Charlesjunk: Fuck.
Tailor: You're gonna have one hell of an A-frame when we take that waistline of the coat in.
Charlesjunk: Goddamn it. Suits are not in my DNA.
I picked up the refitted suit, and the exaggerated A-frame of my body makes me look like some corporate comic book hero. (Complete with wispy cool hair.)
I'm totally wearing this for Halloween.
Sure, I suppose I look good in a well tailored suit, but everything about it feels awkward.
I'm 29 and it still feels like I'm 12 years old when I throw a tie around my neck. The horrid experience of having to get dressed up as a darling little spectacle for friends and relatives at some awful event that is sure to be bad or boring. Including but not limited to Weddings, Funerals, Holiday Parties, Communions (although I don't think I've ever been to one of these), Church, Bat Mitzvahs (never been here either), Court Dates, Job Interviews, or even the awkward experience of proms and homecomings.
Anyway, I am required to wear a suit today. In fact, I'm already wearing it. I have to attend a wedding right after work, and due to time restrictions and the probability that I'll be late anyway, I've worn it to work. I've never had to wear a suit to the place I work before. I feel like I'm in an episode of Night Court from the 80s.
Good segue into the idea that people wear suits to environments where they're being judged. Where they need that shield of appearance to make up for what they lack everywhere else. I think my hatred of suits is atleast minorly related to my childhood fear of clowns.
The clowns wore the fake painted-on smile, but you never really knew what was going on behind the make-up. It's sinister. The suit translates the same way.
As a boy growing up, sensible parents always buy your suits to be too big for you, following the rule that you'll grown into it and get more uses out of it. This idea missed it's mark so many times. The first time you wear it, you look like a fool cause you're swimming in some dumbass suit that's 2-3 sizes too large. Any appeal of appearing like a 'young man' is wasted on the fact that you clearly haven't grown into the suit.
Then by the time you have to wear it again, you've out grown it completely, so you go out and purchase another lame get-up 2 sizes too big. This pattern continues until you're old enough and financially secure enough to buy your own damn suit. There's nothing like having a tailor fitting every uncomfortable seam to finally meet your body where it's supposed to.
So I did that. 3 years ago. Since then I've lost some weight, gained some muscle.
I took it to the tailor for a refitting.
Tailor: Wow, we're going to have to take this in quite a bit.
CharlesJunk: Cool, whatever it takes to make it fit right.
Tailor: Well, see...Your body has changed so much that these shoulder pads even extend further than they should. We can't change that.
Charlesjunk: Fuck.
Tailor: You're gonna have one hell of an A-frame when we take that waistline of the coat in.
Charlesjunk: Goddamn it. Suits are not in my DNA.
I picked up the refitted suit, and the exaggerated A-frame of my body makes me look like some corporate comic book hero. (Complete with wispy cool hair.)
I'm totally wearing this for Halloween.
posted by Charles Junk at 8:34 AM
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